Dealing With Death for a Living

So I do hospice care for a living.

Hospice is end of life care, but the unit that I work for only takes patients if they are within 4 weeks of passing. So the patients that I have are VERY close to the end of life. I have worked 8 shifts since I started my job, and have yet to have to deal with death. MANY times I would come on shift and would be told, "Mr. X is actively dying." Which means that he/she is within hours of passing. But yet, somehow they held out until after my shift ended, so I have yet to deal with the passing of a patient...until last night.

Last night I got on shift and was immediately told by the RN that I needed to go into room 105 and help the other CNA with "Jane." I looked at her, and she just looked back and said, "yes, she just expired at 10:24p."

It was only 10:30p! So that meant that I would have to do her port-mortem care! I walked into the room, hoping to just assist the other CNA with the bed bath and such, but she was getting off shift, so she asked if I could just do it. Say what??? Aren't you going to talk me through this?? Are you going to leave me alone with Jane?? What if she all the sudden makes a noise?? (which deceased people will do!) Don't leave me alone with her!!!

A million thoughts flowed through my mind as I stood just a few feet from Jane, looking at her pale lifeless body.

How would I ever do this?

The CNA asked if I was going to be okay, I replied, "sure, I can handle this, I am all over this." Then I just smiled a big fake smile. I was NOT all over this!

This was part of my job description, but I guess I just lived in a fantasy world where I thought I would never have to actually do it, and for 8 shifts I did slide by. But I couldn't slide by it any longer? What could I do? Run out of the room and tell the RN "no."

The family was in the hallway waiting for me to finish so they could see their mom, aunt, wife.

The other CNA had already done part of the bed bath, so I asked her what was left to do, and she just told me to dress her, do her hair, and make the bed. Well, okay. Seemed simple enough. NOT!

The CNA left, and I was there alone with Jane. The room was well lit, and already smelled like soap and baby powder, so it wasn't that scary of a place to be per say, I was just uncomfortable with the idea of Jane...not the room I was in!

I finished bathing her, changed the bed linens....yes, with her in it. It's complicated.

And then I rubbed her down with lotion to make her smell good...HELLO!  Her family and husband were in the hallway! I couldn't have them coming in and not having her smelling like roses!

I then dressed her in a beautiful pink ruffle gown, and proceeded to wash her hair. It was in middle of the shampoo that I starting talking to her. It was as if she was still there, and I was wondering if she was watching over me as I was taking care of her body. She was cold, and already her head was rigid, so I would just say to her, "Jane, I am going to pick your head up now so I can wash the back, okay?" It reminded me so much of when I was young and I used to help my mom take care of my grandparents! Jane was someone's Grandma.

I know she couldn't answer me, but it made me feel better. Like it was just a level or respect that I needed to have for her.

After she was all clean, lotioned, and smelling good, I made the bed as perfect as possible! I even made the blankets have 'military corners.' I cleaned the room, and turned the lights down low, and as I left the room, I looked back at her, and thought, that if that was my grandma, I would be proud to walk in and see her like that.

She looked peaceful.

She looked and smelled clean.

She looked like very serene.

I closed the door behind me and went to grab the RN. I wanted her to go in and tell me if I did a good job before I let the family in the room.

She looked over the room, and then came to give me tons of compliments! She said I did an amazing job, and went above and beyond by putting lotion on her, cleaning her room, and by making her look so comfortable in her bed.

I felt so HAPPY!!

How rewarding was this job?!?

And who knew that I could love taking care of the deceased so much.

I loved knowing that I took care of Jane with real love and respect. And I loved knowing that I did it all by myself, and conquered my fears.

After last night, I feel like I can do anything...almost. :)

My prayers and thoughts are with Jane and her family tonight.