Ramblings

Last weekend was my first two nights shifts with actual hospice patients.

How do I even put into words what it is like??

When I walked into work I looked into each room to see how many patients we had before I started rounds with the CNA that was getting off her shift. The first room that I looked into about gave me a panic attack...literally! I thought about running for the door.  In fact, I had to go and get the LPN to literally hold my hand and bring me into the room during rounds. This woman that was laying in her bed and looked like she was already dead. She was laying calmly and peacefully in her bed, spa music was playing in the background, the lights were turned down low, her eyes were partly shut, glazed over, and fixed on the ceiling. IT WAS SO SCARY!! She looked like she had already passed, but yet she was still with us. I literally had the hardest time going in her room, and the first couple of times I wouldn't go in unless another nurse came in with me! I was terrified that I would walk in to empty her catheter bag, or rotate her (you have to rotate patients every 2 hours to prevent bed sores), and she would be dead. It's the scariest thing to see someone that close to death. This woman was in the exact same situation as the Marie Scarivo case from a few years back. She hadn't eaten or drank anything since January 18!! It was so surprising to me that someone's body could still be holding on after all the time with no nourishment! She looked so uncomfortable. Every few minutes she would make this horrible sound that you could here all the way down the hallway! What we call the "death rattle." It's the sound people make when they are close to death. It's a horrible sound, and I will never forget it. This poor woman was so close to death, and yet she was here, alone, with no family, and so for that night, I would be her family. I would rub her, talk to her, take care of her, and love her. It gave me such comfort and peace to know I was able to comfort her when no one else could, even it was a little scary.

Sometime during the night, I loosened up, and got in my groove. I put my fears aside, and just did the very best that I could. I had 4 patients, and every 2 hours I would go and rotate each one of them to a different position, change their brief or empty their catheter, apply lip balm (because they all slept with their mouth open, so their lips would get dry), take vitals if they needed, etc. I got into a good rhythm of doing this, and then even in my spare time I would sit with various patients and hold their hand, rub their face, rub their arm, etc. Just touch them. I wanted to them to know that someone was there and that they weren't alone. By 3am I was at complete peace with my job. I felt blessed that I could be there with them, to take care of them, and to be by their side when no one else would be. Then by 3:30a there was craziness!! One of my patients started throwing up every 10-12 minutes, and she spiked a fever. She was like this for three hours, and my heart just went out to her. She was so miserable, and yet she was the most coherent of all the hospice patients so every time she threw up, she would look up at me and tell me that she was sorry. Poor thing! I told her that there was nothing to be sorry about, and would wipe her mouth, put a damp washcloth on her forehead, and rub her back...which she said was sore. I fell in love with this woman! By the end of the night I realized that I had spend more than half of the night by her bedside, and luckily the other nurses helped with my other patients, because I couldn't leave her alone while she was in that condition. As I was getting ready to leave at 7a the next morning, I went in to say goodbye to her, and she thanked me for taking such great care of her, and looked right up at me and said, "I love you." I was hooked. Hospice may not be the must ideal job, or the most glamorous, but it is so rewarding. 

By my second night I just went into each room without hesitation, did my thing, got in my groove early on, and was there to comfort & take care of my patients. It's an amazing feeling to know that these helpless adults that are so close to death can look up at you and thank you by just looking into your eyes. Many of them can't talk, but I know that they appreciate the care that I give them. I know that they appreciate me not leaving them alone. 

Tonight I work again, and then I work again tomorrow, and I am so anxious to go! I am nervous still, because I have yet to work when someone has actually passed, but I am excited to there to comfort and take care of others that otherwise can't take care of themselves.

All the hard work of clinicals, class work, and state boards has paid off. I am doing what I LOVE...taking care of others!!!