Overwhelmed!!!!!

I don't know how else to describe what I am feeling...I am just completely overwhelmed!!

I feel more than incredibly blessed to have a home, a roof over my head, electricity, food on the table, to have us all healthy, to be in an amazingly loving & healthy relationship, to have great kids that love me so much, to have good friends, and the support of an amazing family! I love my calling, I love my ward, and I love my life.

BUT, with that being said...I am so overwhelmed with being a single working mom.

HOW? How will I ever make this work? How I will I ever work full-time at night and still be a mom? There was once a conference talk saying that there is no substitute for a loving mother staying home with her children.

I picked nights because it paid better, and because I thought that way I could be the best mom possible! The shift is from 10:30p-7:00a, so this way I just needed to have someone sleep at my house, and yet then when I got home I could wake the kids up, get them all breakfast, and get the big kids on the bus. Then drop Ash off at the babysitters, and sleep till about 3p or so. Then I could wake up, pick up Ash, get the kids off the bus, do homework with them, do dinner as a family, bring Noah to scouts, bring Lily to ballet, etc, etc. I could be a MOM!!! If I worked days, I would miss so much of that!!! I was trying my hardest to just do it all. To be a full-time single mom, to be a full-time CNA, to have a calling, be a housekeeper, a cook, a choefer, etc, etc. And I am now thinking it is impossible.

The problem?? Once I pay for night childcare AND daytime childcare (so I can sleep), I am barely making anything!! Literally.

So, the question has been brought to my attention...what is most important? And holds the greatest VALUE? MY KIDS! Is it worth it to work full-time and have my kids passed from home to home, just so that I can still borrow money from family every month to pay bills, and be exhausted all the time, and not see my kids every other weekend when I work??? IS IT WORTH IT??

Well, no.

I have spent many hours crying over this the past two days!!!! Many is an understatement.

I spent so much time getting my CNA, doing clinicals, studying for state boards, and working my butt off just so that I could work full-time and be self-sufficient. And now, after all my hard work, and months of training, I still won't be self-sufficient. I will still be dependent on family and friends. It's not pride...let's be clear. It's that I wanted to be able to do it on my own. I wanted to be self-sufficient. I don't want to burden anyone. I am humble. Really I am. I realized that I would still need some help from family and friends. I get that. But I didn't want to have to rely on them solely.

I have looked around in my ward, and taken a look at lots of the single moms, and realized they are doing it because they live with family, or by family, work days, and/or have all their kids in school all day. I don't live by family, I have Ash still at home during the day, and I would be working in healthcare...and let's face it, in that industry you always work weekends and holidays and such. It's not a 9-5 job.

So, I have until Monday to make the decision. I have spent hours crying and talking with my parents (and Brandon) about what to do. But the decision is ultimately mine. And unfortunately I don't know what to do. I'm torn.

I want my job so badly!!! I feel so blessed that I got that job!! And it is such an incredible opportunity!! BUT, maybe it isn't my time right now. Maybe for the first time in 2 years, I just need to stay home with the kids and explore other options for making money. Maybe I got that training so that I could still use it later.

So, for the next two days, I will continue to kneel in prayer and try to get an answer. Because I can honestly say, that this decision is harder on me than almost any other decision I have made in my life. Honestly.

I want to be self-sufficient.

I want to to use my education.

I want to say, 'I did it on my own.'

But at what cost?